On Family and Growing Older

There are times when I feel that blood really isn't as thick as water, and family is really the people we surround ourselves with. I'm not proud of our family as a unit, and there are definitely siblings I have a hard time wanting to connect with.
So it was amazing to me so be able to sit down and have an adult conversation with Dad while I was in Denver for Grandma's funeral. When I got kicked out of the house, I had a hard time (I'm trying to write this without thinking to much, so that I don't go back and erase some things...I hope it makes sense) having any respect for him, and I have never much pictured him as a father anyway. What I feel mostly now is pity. I've stopped trying to gain his love or approval, and I've released myself from any expectations of or from him. I say that, because that is what allowed me to sit and talk to him. I didn't talk to him like he was my father, because truly, he never was. I sat at the table in the kitchen one morning as an adult and talked to him as an adult.
I don't know why I started talking about this, but it must be what's on my mind, and I'd like to get it out. I've only really talked to Christian about it, and he doesn't really understand all of our family dynamics. Anyway, I told Dad that while he may or may not get forgiveness from any of his children, he will probably never get their respect. I also told him that it was unfair of him to expect either forgiveness or respect from any of us. I was pretty blunt with him, and when he 'played' the God forgives card, I didn't hold back. God is a truly amazing being, who is capable of complete forgiveness. We're human, and to forgive is divine. No, didn't say that, I was much more to the point. We may forgive in time, but we will never forget, and just because we may forgive doesn't mean that what he has done and not done does not have everlasting effects on each of our lives. You know, I don't think I could pity him anymore than I did at that moment. He is a shell of a man who doesn't have any significant relationship with any of his children, and he doesn't have anything to offer except his biological relationship. That saddened me, but it also gave me hope.
I have so separated myself from family, mostly because of what it meant, and that is exactly what he has done. Obviously, because of two very distinct issues, but in some sense, the same.
Anyway... I'm tired of keeping family at bay. I don't believe that we will all become the 1950's family that I would have liked. Yet still, family is important, especially as I get older.
So, I choose to connect, and in some cases, re-connect; regardless of what that means, though hopefully it won't be a rehashing of childhood wrongs. God, will we ever get over that?!
-t.