Standing at the Edge of the Great Unknown

Could you imagine how it would be, after beginning a hero's journey, to climb a mountain of insurmountable odds, finding yourself a the edge of tomorrow, then, without closing your eyes, taking a deep breath, you push off from the giant precipice into the ever expanding great unknown, and suddenly find yourself in mid-flight, feeling completely natural at living above the clouds?

Can you catch your breath? Did you close your eyes in fright at the risk of falling?

Life is a work of fiction, and every day we create a new chapter,a few paragraphs or sometimes, just a single line. There is no rhyme or reason, and life flows ploddingly, trepidation with each step. There is no fear in fiction, just the ethereal world of the maybe and what ifs. So what if I take that single step, that great leap into the unseen and the unknown?

What then?

Listening to: "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" - Damien Rice

It's 11:32 p.m. on Wednesday night, and I'm drinking a cup of coffee; strong French roast with a dash of cinnamon flavored creamer. It's almost like a drinking cinnamon schnapps but with caffeine!
I'm tired too. I was wide awake at 4:15 this morning, so after laying in bed for 10 or fifteen minutes, I decided I might as well get up. I got to work way early and got a lot done before the 7:00 crew showed up. Productive day, and after working for 8 1/2 hours, I took a 20 minute nap, and then went and played out at the marina. It getting damn cold already, and I forget that we could have snow any day now. It is so hard getting used to not living in Florida, though with the hurricanes this season, I guess I'm thankful we don't live there. :)
I've got nothing to write tonight. I'm fighting allergies so my eyes are red and itchy. It hurts them to look at the computer monitor so I should go put some eye drops in...
Still haven't found what I'm looking for.

Wealth is More Than Money, and Abundance Overtakes Me

So, where does my life go from here? Of that I am not sure. I am happy but unfulfilled at work, and even a career bump will not allow me the resources I need to make my dreams become reality.

How is it that some can achieve a certain level of success in life, while others fail to achieve anything of lasting significance? Oh, I have life-long friends whom would tell you that I've achieved some significance, but to tell you the truth, it is not enough. I want more out of life and more out of what I expect my life to be. Although I am not talking about the abundance of "things," and the accumulation of wealth, I do expect to acquire some things that have some greater meaning than just "stuff" to fill a home.

Speaking of home, I've started to form the concept of the house that I want. Most likely, it will need to be built rather than acquired. I see it in my mind, and am working to see it realized on paper. The style is reminiscent of the manor houses of British Imperialism in India, or the Plantation houses of the French Indochine. Tall windows, grand foyer, sweeping vistas, french doors leading to the terrace, and of course, the hard wood floors. I've got the interior design settled as well. Of course, I've got to find the way to change fantasy into a reality.

If my perception is that I have the house I want, I will surely find a way to make it happen. I've got to figure out a way to make things happen faster and life more abundantly so. So, the question is, how does one acquire wealth? How do I make wealth seek me out, abundance following me, rather than me chasing money? There has to be a key, something almost too simple that it is mostly overlooked. Yes, I understand and appreciate that hard work has its merits, and I'm not afraid of it, but somewhere in this universe, there has to be a 'secret' to creating wealth, and having abudance overtake me. And I'm going to find it.

Dinner at Eight

I'm sitting quietly in my room at my computer, typing with my eyes closed. So much easier to focus on each word that I type, and no time to let those miscellaneous random thoughts interrupt.

In a moment, this moment, my life is good. I cooked a big pot of fettuccine alfredo for dinner, made a salad, steamed some vegetables, and made garlic bread. I've eaten, finished dinner with my favorite ice cream (spumoni) and am drinking a cup of coffee while C sits in the living room listening to some Italian music he bought while in Europe.

I've got a few emails to reply to, some laundry to finish, and then I've got a few hours for writing. It's been an industrious day, and tomorrow I go back to work.

The Way It Is

I've decided to live my life on purpose. Not as if I haven't, but too often, I've let life lead where it will rather than deciding my own fate. I choose to live my life with integrity and purpose, determined to make choices that will create the life I desire, not the life I thought I was handed.

Here's where I'm going:

I want a life with meaningful relationships. I believe that every person I have any meaningful contact with is in my life for a reason. This includes the persons I work with, persons I choose to be friends with, and individual family members. If I truly believe this, I will make the choices that allow these relationships to flourish.

I believe that I have something to contribute to every individual I come in contact with. I can choose to contribute something positive, or I can choose to contribute something the will detract from their experience on this earth.

I want to become a "life coach." Knowing the steps this involves gives me a greater purpose than I currently had. There is a science to reprogramming and repatterning the brain, and I am going to learn and practice this science in order to become whole, as well as help others become whole.

"Whole" as in a complete human being, well rounded and growing in the areas of relationships, spirituality, intelligence, emotional maturity, and creativity.

I believe that the circumstances of my life are the results of choices I have made. Rather than staying in those circumstances, I can "course correct" and change my reality. Perception is reality, and so I make my own reality. If I can create my own reality, than I can create the life that I want by altering my perception of reality.

Sound a little simplistic? What is it that allows people to walk across a bed of hot ashes unharmed? The reality is that those red-hot ashes burn. However, if I alter my perception of that reality, I could walk across that same bed of ashes and not get burned. What's is more real then? That hot ashes burn, or that I am unharmed?

This then is the quandry, how much of reality is "real" and how much of reality is your perception of reality? How much of the "real" reality can you know if the only perception of reality you have is based on the filters of perception and experience, as well as any other internal filters?

So, reality is what we make it. I choose my reality. My choices create the reality of my life. Your choices create the reality of your life. Change your reality, change your life.

Java Mood and Random Thoughts

I'm gulping down the java tonight, from an oversized pale green coffee mug, laced just now with a touch of Amaretto. I've already drunk three cups with vanilla flavored creamer, but right now, when the mood to write struck, I decided to add a little mellow to my night.

I've sent some long overdue emails to my friends Chad and Suzanne and am listening to the eloquent sounds of Eva Cassidy. I feel like a bad friend sometimes because I let weeks go by without checking or replying to emails. Basically, I think i'm way to selfish with my time. To those of you who read this, I apologize... Again.

I really would like to develop more intimate friendships. It isn't easy online, and honestly, I'd have to like myself a lot more than I do in order to trust letting ya'll in. I know, it sounds awful, but in some ways, it's very true. I could blame my parents, but then, they accept responsibility about as good as I do. Talk about a chip off the old block...

I miss my friend Mandy. She went and changed her name, got married, picked up a new hobby, and we barely write anymore... ; )

More Random Thoughts:

Listening to the sound of music falling like the sound of your heart beating against my chest late at night when the sex is over and you're falling asleep. Your chest, now more manly than mine, yet almost comletely hairless, reminds me of our youth. It must be the amaretto talking, though it's barely a thimble poured into the coffee cup that started it all.

Random, like the freewrites I used to do, most of which are posted somewhere on another journal. Poetry too, like the 100 poems in 100 days I once wrote. Distance between then and now, and I'm a different person, you are too I think, though I don't even know if you're reading this, but still, I love you even more. Stronger than you realize, this heart of mine, when it beats for you, even now, just thinking of you in your own world, and I won't see you again until you cross the hall from your room to mine, but probably just to get another cup of java, rather than to stop and steal a stare at the man of your dreams, "nightmares" you jest... I like this life we have, though at times it's fraught with stress and lack. I smile when I think of you, and know that you do to.

I close tomorrow in my retail world. That a 2:00 to 10:30 shift, and then I'm back in at 8:00 a.m. No 4:00 shifts for me this week, and that's a relief, 'S' & 'E' got stuck with them. No worries though it's almost me bedtime... I wonder if I can sleep with all the coffee I've had. Probably.

Sweet dreams tonight to all who've read these lines. :)

-T

Leaf Doesn't Fall Far From the Bush

It is amazing to me that there are still people in this country who believe that President Bush speaks for all Americans.

We've seen his callousness and the lack of compassion for almost all but the wealthy upper class, but it is now apparent that the leaf doesn't fall far from the bush; Former First Lady Barbara Bush that is.
On Monday, a statement by Barbara Bush made news: "And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway," she said, "so this is working very well for them."
She also declared that many of the poor people she had seen while touring a Houston relocation site were faring better than before the storm hit.

All this while there are hundreds of Americans who still don't know if their loved ones are alive and safe, and while the government admits that there may still be several thousand dead bodies to be recovered. So Bush and Bush, how are these people better off?

Back to Work

Yes, it's true. It's also a shame. In less than 6 six hours, I have to be at work, and I haven't yet been to bed.

I've had an entirely good of time of being off work, and won $150 in quarters at the casino. I should take time off more often!

Sunday, we went to the Pig Out In The Park, a sampling of local restaurants, where I got ill after eating ribs from one of the vendors, though I can't tell you their name... :)

Anyway, with less than 6 hours of sleep before I go to work, I'm sure to be a real b*tch tomorrow... gotta get to bed now so I can at least get 3-4 hours rest.
-t

The High Price of Petrol

This says it all:

Birthday Wishes to Self

So tomorrow I turn another day older, and celebrate growing a year older.
I used to have a yearly tradition of sitting down with a notebook and pen every New Year's Eve, and writing out all the things I'd like to accomplish over my lifetime. Some things were easy, like brushing my teeth three times a day, or getting my hair cut every three weeks. Other things were much harder, like becoming independently wealthy by a certain age. Somethings never change, but I quit writing that list a few years ago. It had stretched over time onto four or five lined pages, every line filled. I wrote, of course, in complete sentences, because how could these things come true unless I wrote them in present tense?

Today, I choose to include this new Birthday Wish List in honor of those gone by:


Invest in my continuing education
Take an art class
Express my creativity more frequently
Develop a better relationship with my family
Own a state of the art computer system
Take an NLP seminar
Have Lasik eye surgery
Have laser hair removal
Become physically fit and workout regularly
Watch the sunset
Become an early riser
Host parties for friends
Write poetry regularly
Take a photography class
Earn $80,000 annually in career
Find my own spiritual path and practice
Spend time with Pat & Debbie
Travel to Austria
Learn Spanish
Learn German
Go white water rafting
Become a NLP Practitioner
Take some cooking classes
Travel to Australia
Purchase a brand new vehicle
Be financially comfortable
Learn how to refinish furniture
Take a course in graphic design
Take a course in interior design
Own my own business
Take a course in industrial design
Adopt children
Become financially independent
Own a 5 bedroom house in the Southeast
Own quality home furnishings
Travel to South Africa and go on a safari
Travel Europe
Hire a maid
Hire a groundskeeper
Contribute large sums of resources to charity
Have a double walk-in shower
Become an "expert" photographer
Own a cabin on a lake
Write a book
Set up a scholarship foundation for the education of poor adults
Initiate and maintain a legacy for my children
Own a ranch house in Montana
Host writing seminars
Learn to pilot a plane
Become a consultant/life coach

-t.

Happy Birthday boy, may all your dreams come true!

On Family and Growing Older

There are times when I feel that blood really isn't as thick as water, and family is really the people we surround ourselves with. I'm not proud of our family as a unit, and there are definitely siblings I have a hard time wanting to connect with.
So it was amazing to me so be able to sit down and have an adult conversation with Dad while I was in Denver for Grandma's funeral. When I got kicked out of the house, I had a hard time (I'm trying to write this without thinking to much, so that I don't go back and erase some things...I hope it makes sense) having any respect for him, and I have never much pictured him as a father anyway. What I feel mostly now is pity. I've stopped trying to gain his love or approval, and I've released myself from any expectations of or from him. I say that, because that is what allowed me to sit and talk to him. I didn't talk to him like he was my father, because truly, he never was. I sat at the table in the kitchen one morning as an adult and talked to him as an adult.
I don't know why I started talking about this, but it must be what's on my mind, and I'd like to get it out. I've only really talked to Christian about it, and he doesn't really understand all of our family dynamics. Anyway, I told Dad that while he may or may not get forgiveness from any of his children, he will probably never get their respect. I also told him that it was unfair of him to expect either forgiveness or respect from any of us. I was pretty blunt with him, and when he 'played' the God forgives card, I didn't hold back. God is a truly amazing being, who is capable of complete forgiveness. We're human, and to forgive is divine. No, didn't say that, I was much more to the point. We may forgive in time, but we will never forget, and just because we may forgive doesn't mean that what he has done and not done does not have everlasting effects on each of our lives. You know, I don't think I could pity him anymore than I did at that moment. He is a shell of a man who doesn't have any significant relationship with any of his children, and he doesn't have anything to offer except his biological relationship. That saddened me, but it also gave me hope.
I have so separated myself from family, mostly because of what it meant, and that is exactly what he has done. Obviously, because of two very distinct issues, but in some sense, the same.
Anyway... I'm tired of keeping family at bay. I don't believe that we will all become the 1950's family that I would have liked. Yet still, family is important, especially as I get older.
So, I choose to connect, and in some cases, re-connect; regardless of what that means, though hopefully it won't be a rehashing of childhood wrongs. God, will we ever get over that?!
-t.

Weighing in on the War in Iraq

I remember watching the news on September 11th, 2001. I was glued to the television for hours, calling my friends who were stuck at work, unable to leave. I believed that a military response was necessary to the horror that has become forever glued in my memory.
For a moment, I even thought that perhaps President Bush was more capable of handling a military response than the Democrat I voted for. I was all for going after Bin Laden, and I believe we'll never know all that transpired in our country that particular September day, nor will we ever know all that has transpired since, in the name of protecting the Homeland.
Our civil rights have eroded in the name of security, yet most Americans don't feel any safer now then we did four years ago. Personally, I feel less safe. I think our airports and some of our transportation systems may be safer, but you have to admit, (if you are well read, and listen to more than just Fox News,) we are at war in Iraq because of a lie construed in the back rooms of government offices both here and in Britain. The conservative media calls me and other thinking people traitors because we believe that our calling this war illegal will cause acts of terrorism in response. What a sad nod to our fading democracy, once the light that shined freedom to the rest of the world. Is it no wonder that so many of our allies were wary regarding our entry into this war against Iraq? Our President knew there were no weapons of mass distruction in Iraq before he misled the United States Congress into giving him the power to declare war. I feel ashamed of the way our country, once the proudest nation on Earth, has handled itself during this President's administration.
We have an arrogant President who sees any apology or acknowledgement of wrong doing as a personal weakness. There is no strength in being unable to admit one's shortcomings.
And so his poll numbers continue to drop. Doesn't anyone else notice? My final thoughts are actually someone else's. I hope they don't mind.
-t.

When a man is wrong and won't admit is, he always gets angry.
Thomas C. Haliburton

No persons are more frequently wrong, than those who will not admit they are wrong.
Francois De La Rochefoucauld
French author & moralist (1613 - 1680)

I know that most men, including those at ease with problems of the greatest complexity, can seldom accept even the simplest and most obvious truth if it be such as would oblige them to admit the falsity of conclusions which they have delighted in explaining to colleagues, which they have proudly taught to others, and which they have woven, thread by thread, into the fabric of their lives.
Leo Tolstoy
Russian mystic & novelist (1828 - 1910)

One of the hardest things in this world is to admit you are wrong. And nothing is more helpful in resolving a situation than its frank admission.
Benjamin Disreali

So, I just got home from work a few minutes ago, let my two dogs run around for awhile, put them back into their crates, and here I am. I don't know how long I'll have to write before I have to go pick up C from his work-related party, but I thought I'd try to put a few words down.
Work was awful slow, I sent one employee home early because of her poor attitude, and closed the store without her. Peaceful.
Today, I talked to Tom about the city council trying to set up a gay business district. He reacted much like I expected. He didn't think the city needed one, and who wants a bunch of rainbow flags crying "We're here, we're queer, we're not going anywhere." Personally, I think it would be a great opportunity for someone to start a small business and market to the gay disposable dollar. I'm thinking a art/craft store like the one in Portland, OR. or a bookstore like the ones in D.C. I'd need to find some investors, but it could be the perfect opportunity to become self-employed.
I also think that a gay business district is a good idea in this small conservative town, so that the 6-10% of the population who is gay or lesbian have a place in which to feel safe. Thoughts anyone?

Welcome to My Life...

Since this is my first post on my life as a blogger, I thought I would blog a little info about myself, and what I'm going to be blogging about.
I'm a 30 something year-old male, a conglomerate of Native American/Hispanic - French/German heritage, born to Fundamental Baptist parents who think Jerry Falwell is too liberal, and if I had to label myself politically, I'd say I'm a "middle of the road conservative/liberal." If that bothers you, and you're not open-minded enough to keep reading, then don't bother to post here, because I don't have time to explain myself, or to argue with your politics, morals or values.
I am an independent voter who tends to vote for democrats, and I think our current President comes across as an arrogant divider rather than the uniter he promised to be.
I'll blog about anything and everything; politics, world events, the local scene, religion, movies, friends, work, working out (or not working out.)
I don't promise to always be interesting, but I will be honest. That you can count on...
t.